Saturday, March 9, 2013

This isn't art, it's an instructional diagram

After seeing his work displayed on our fridge, the artist himself was quick to explain this was so much more than just fridge art...   I was then instructed to save this diagram in my hospital bag so it can be easily referenced in the event that I lose focus of the "big picture" during my labor process.

The big picture?  Isn't that bringing a life into this world safely?  

No, apparently that's just a line for first or second time parents.... 

According to Daddy, the big picture with #4 is getting that life to come fairly quickly and at a reasonable hour unless I'm willing to have an epideral.  
Wow, I'm getting all choked up just thinking about how beautiful this birth experience will be together.... wait, sorry, that's just heart burn....  
Of course this lead to an in depth dissection of the master piece.... hold on tight folks, each curve, line and image has a specific meaning. 
Allow me to help you see his vision:

1.  These referees are not judging my steller performance, but rather illustrating how quickly my dilation progresses upon arriving to the hospital.  Unlike previous births where I'm stuck at a 7 for hours and hours and hours. 
2.  While I thought he was hoping this little guy would be born an olympic swimmer, here he is merely demonstrating that the baby slides right out without a long time pushing.  Which leads us nicely to #3.
3.  Notice that I am holding my own leg in this picture?   Yes, that's the point, the baby comes so easily that there is no need for tiring leg holding from Daddy or anyone else. 
4.  At first I thought he was just being a gentleman by remarking on how "tiny" my belly is.  Aw, so sweet!   He was in fact trying to show that my belly is not very big all things considered... but that wasn't the main motivation for this move.  Instead, the point of this is to show a scaled comparison between the size of my belly and the size of my post-pregnancy swollen face as illustrated in #6. 
5.  No guessing needed here folks :)
6.  See #4.  And yes, it is true. My face gets so obnoxiusly wide by the end and for a few weeks after my pregnancies that I look like a bobble head doll wobbling off with a newborn baby... I had commented on this unfortunate phenomenum moments before we began this exercise, so it was fresh in his mind.  He can't be blamed. I would've drawn the same thing.  It's all in the name of accuracy.
7.   I am on a flat table.  Why on earth would he draw me on a flat table?  What decade is this?  He explained, but I refuse to understand.  This is NOT in my birth plan.
8.  "1-2-3 out in record time"  My labors have been progressively longer.  14-16 hours with Sienna. 19 hours of intense contractions with Jonah.  And almost 3 days of 5 minute intervaled contractions with Sebastian...  I agree with this recommendation.  Record fast time would be awesome.
9.  Day time labor.  Done around a meal time so the cafeteria will be open.  Great suggetions. I second both motions.  I am always famished after labor.  It's very burdensome when they are born during limited menu hours and after surviving 2 over night labors I know enough to hope for a day time labor as well.  I wished I had thought of drawing a clock in my picture too.
10.  No recognition was given to this observation, but am I the only one who notices Daddy's absense from this illustration???    Cleary, we're not on the same page in more ways than one!
Ok, ok, let me throw out the disclaimer in case some people are getting all worked up about this poor guy that I love so much.  Clearly, a lot of this was drawn in jest.  We had a limited time to draw our "ideal birth situation" and he was clearly trying to be funny.  Not to deny him any comedic credit, but let's be honest, we all know most symbolism was probably accidental and only thought of after hearing me voice my own interpretation.   I know that and he knows I know that, so he runs with it.  I'm lucky he agreed to a doula, so I'm happy to let him enjoy himself even if it means taking a ribbing or two during these types of exercises which I'm sure he suffers through with nearly noticable eye rolls.  We both tease that we want a fast labor or bust, but who really gets upset about things not going that way in the moment of bringing a human into the world?  I know we'll be just as overwhelmed with joy and love whether we hold our new son for the first time at 3:00 am or 3:00 pm.  

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