Apparent Tales: My faux bed rest is showing

Day 1 of faux bed rest went a little like this...

(Warning: This is a loooooong post about way too many details about my day that not even my own mom will likely read through... but it's my blog, so I can cry if I want to.)

6:26 am - Wake up to Jonah ~~saying~~ screaming something about him being awake from a good nap now, mommy!

6:27 am- We are all awake from not long enough "naps"

6:30 am- Deny that all three kids are jumping inside Bash's crib while I wobble to the bathroom to empty my pregnantly squished bladder

6:32 am- They're actually playing nicely, and my bed is still unmade... I should probably get back in it since I'm on bed rest and all. I take myself up on that offer and lay there half alive.

7:00 am- I silently curse my rookie decision to go back to bed as I clean up 500 baby wipes thrown all over the boys' room that were pulled out of the freshly opened wipe pack during their "nice" and quiet playing time.

7:01 am- Discover the silver lining that the crib wasn't broken! bonus!

7:20 am- Finally finish wrestling clothes on both of the boys who absolutely do not want to be dressed anytime in the next 30 years.

7:30 am- After explaining for the 20th time that we aren't going to watch a show this morning due to the wipes incident I break up a three kid protest and force them downstairs to eat breakfast. By force I mean I select the football hold for carrying Bash down the stairs so that I can pull Jonah's hand along with us. I figured it was more bed resty than carrying them both.

7:45 am- Serve three different breakfasts that I know will see more floor or fabric than stomach.

8:05 am- Lock all three kids in the backyard with a giant cardboard box, markers and stickers that they magically agree to turning into a race car.

8:06 am- Remember they're already dressed in nice clothes that will be seen by people we know on a rapidly approaching play date.... with markers..... alone.... outside.... but I really need to clean the kitchen in peace and get around to finishing my now soggy cereal, so I decide to give them chalk instead.

8:09 am- See them all ~~eating~~ holding the chalk in their mouths. Accept the critique that my breakfast was worse than chalk.

8:40 am- Retrieve the dozens of objects that the boys threw in the pool over the last 25 minutes (including most of the chalk). Herd everyone in the house. Sponge clean the chalk stains from their clothes. The boys each walked themselves into timeout for throwing stuff in the pool. I make a mental note to find a more dreaded consequence for throwing stuff in the pool... they've clearly accepted the trade off as a fair payment for their enjoyment.

8:55 am- Decide we're just getting in the car. It's less messy that way.

9:15 am- We're in the car. How did it take me 20 minutes to do this, I wish I knew!!

9:30 am - 12:00 pm- we arrive to an indoor play area to meet friends. The kids play nicely for 2.5 hours! See, I've still got it. No big deal.

12:02 pm- Juuuuust as we decide to leave Jonah honestly accidentally knocks over a bench and causes Drama Queen of the play yard to get hurt (that's a post on it's own!), so I try to quickly and discretely usher the kids out the door who are loudly asking for their hand stamps from the owner who is clearly pissed that the old lady who lives in a shoe let one of her unruly children harm another child by his unruly bench usage. He reluntantly offers them each a hand stamp.

12:12 pm- We're finally loaded in the car again. 10 minutes... a little better... but geez.

12:15 pm- I finally realize I've just now caught my breath from carrying and loading the kids in the car.

12:35 pm- We all get out of the car and into the house in approximately 1 minute. 1 minute! That's how long it should take to load into the car right?? Logic is never right with children.

12:50 pm- I serve two different kinds of mac n' cheese made in two different pots to the kids. Jonah thankfully eats quietly and passionately for the next 10 minutes. Bash ate approximately zero bites of the food he dumped all over the floor.

1:10 pm- I lose it with my not-yet-two year old son who is now laughing and purposely spitting out milk all over the place and grab him now kicking and screaming from the table. I hold him down on the couch with one arm and somehow change an incredibly poopy diaper for a kid who throws most of his food. We march off to naps with no words exchanged.

1:20 pm- Discover that Jonah has thrown all the dishes I left on the lunch table into the pool. Food scraps and all.

1:21 pm- Realize it's a blessing that I still haven't caught my breath from carrying Bash upstairs because I could've screamed a scream like never before. We're all ready for naps. I don't have to be out of mommying shape to realize that. Is Daddy home yet?

1:30 pm- Jonah is tucked away in his napping spot while I bribe Sienna with anything it will take to please, please PLEASE just have quiet time nicely today without asking Mommy any questions. Mommy has to go lay down and take care of the baby in my tummy.

1:31 pm- Jonah is missing from his nap spot. Other missing items include an iPad, my book light, my water bottle and the TV remote.

1:35 pm- I find Jonah in the guest room closet hiding with his loot. I threaten spankings, point furiously at the napping spot and try to catch my darn breath yet again.... all the while I'm fairly confident I feel steam releasing from my ears.

1:37 pm- Jonah is shaking in his napping spot. No spankings yet, but I remind him that he's thisclose to it.

1:40 pm- Jonah's eyes are allllllmost closed when Sienna lightly taps on the door with just one question. One question! I begged for no questions today! It hasn't even been ten minutes. WHAT? What is your question? Can she please eat candy if she cleans the play room? Hum, well, that's a pretty good exchange. Ok, fine.

1:41 pm- "Is Enna gonna eat candy?" Ugh. Jonah. Your eyes were almost closed! "It's not your concern. Shut your ears and go to sleep!"

1:55 pm- Jonah is finally, finally asleep. Thank God! I head down to see how our playroom cleaning arrangement might work out.

1:56 pm- I pile up the candy and warn that Sienna is NOT to ask me any questions and to play nicely until everyone wakes up from naps.

1:57 pm- I fish all our dishes out of the pool and load them into the dish washer and get Sienna a bizzillon craft supplies to occupy her time.

2:20 pm- She has used up all bizzillon of the craft supplies and has just one little question.....

2:21 pm- My dear friend arrives with our meal for the night. Oh thank you LORD that I'm still getting meals this week!!

2:30 pm- I say goodbye to my friend and Sienna has another question. Can she watch a show? Jonah with the super sonic, not shut while sleeping ears hears the word "show" and rapidly appears begging along with his sister.

2:45 pm- I cave. Fine. Let's watch a show. But just until Bash wakes up. I finally, finally, finally sit lay on the couch to flip through Netflix "Just for Kids." Is Daddy home yet?

2:50 pm- We decide on Blues Clues. While it's loading I'm gonna text Daddy just to be sure he's coming home for swim lessons tonight. Oh, look! One missed message... let's open this baby up!

Nooooooooooo!

I missed his text. He has to work late. I must respond well. I can tell he is stressed. I manage with "Thanks for the heads up." Lame, but not considering I really wanted to call him on the spot crying that it was too much on my first day of being all alone with the kids all day. Jonah has swim lessons later on. How am I gonna take all three kids to swim lessons? How will I be able to keep Sebastian out of the pool and force him to watch his brother get to swim without Daddy there to walk him all around outside??

2:51 pm- Panic sets. Blues Clues starts. I close my eyes to escape for just one little second.

3:37 pm- My eyes burst open. Panic returns! Only worse! Did I actually fall asleep? The children? My children? Where are they?

3:40 pm- I realize they're still sitting on top of me on the couch watching another episode of Blues Clues. Phew.

3:50 pm- Still lying under my kids on the couch weighing my options for skipping swim I hear tiny foot steps on the stairs. Good morning Bashy. There's plenty of room on my right ankle and left calf for you.

3:55 pm- The second episode of Blue Clues is over... I guess that's probably enough unrealistic blue dog and equally unrealistically happy man. We all roll off the couch. And stumble to the kitchen.

4:00 pm- Snacks are served. Sippy cups are poured. Play room is clean... Everything is surprisingly calm and quiet. I wonder why I didn't just put on a show hours ago??

4:17 pm- I text Daddy just one more time to make sure he really, really has to work late and absolutely will not come to swim with us tonight. This is really a ridiculous exercise, because he always calls on his way home. He hasn't called yet, so he's not on his way. He'd have to be on his way to make it in time for swim. Why am I pretending to send a "no pressure" text that is clearly full of silent pressure. I'm a terrible wife.

4:30 pm- The kids are still sorta just hanging out nicely. Ok... better go to swim. To the Mommy Missle! (That's how I refer to my van when I'm in a fairly good mood. Get.in.the.car.now is how I refer to it when I'm stressed or angry).

4:45 pm- I pull out of the garage. Good start! Only 15 minutes to load... and I even had to prepare extra snacks and swim suits.... ya baby, I got it!

5:05 pm- Arrive to swim 5 whole minutes early! See, I'm back to my old self. And as a bonus the swim department head isn't there today and Sienna's old swim coach is filling in for him, so offers Sienna to swim in the zero entry pool while Jonah does his lesson if I have her suit with me. If I have her suit? What do I look like here, a rookie?? Of course I have her suit! One kid down, just Bash to worry about it.

5:10 pm- I settle in my pool side chair and say a quick prayer that poor little Bash somehow doesn't give me the hardest 45 minute struggle of my day trying to jump in the pool too.

5:14 pm- It doesn't take long to determine it is hard holding him on my lap against my belly, so I pull up a chair for the little big guy and offer him my first snack bribe. An entire cliff bar all to himself. He usually shares with Jonah, so I knew this might be good.

5:20 pm- Yup, still sitting there checking out his Cliff Bar.

5:25 pm- Just gnawing on a chunk of my bar, checking out the kids in the pool Mom.

5:35 pm- Getting a little tiny bit wiggly... I realize a miracle has already occurred and I start my prayers of thanksgiving.

5:45 pm- He's still sitting here. Just checking things out. He IS STILL SITTING!

5:50 pm- Ok seriously. I am one extremely lucky momma. I'm so happy I almost want him to get up and run around with me! But I'm on faux bed rest, so I just do a discrete awkward mommy dance in my head.

5:55 pm - Lessons are over. We made it. I made it! By the grace of God and His miracles I totally, easily, unstressfully made it! The big kids slowly walk over and ask for their towels (please) with smiles on their faces.

Am I still dreaming on the couch??

6:15 pm - The kids are showered and dressed in dry clothes again. Sebastian is STILL just sitting where ever I put him down.

6:45 pm- We're home and unloaded from the car. It is an hour and half later than we usually eat dinner. There is no way I'm going to just pull up to the house, cook anything, serve it and have the kids eat without total chaos ensuing.... but.... I might as well try.

6:50 pm- All three kids are just sitting at the table waiting for dinner. Are they drugged? What is happening???

7:00 pm- They ask for more carrots and spinach. Ok, they are drugged. It must have happened during my nap while I thought they were watching Blue Clues and sitting on top of me.

7:05 pm- Sebastian dumps his plate on the floor. Oh phew. This is my kid! Just the pinch I needed to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

7:20 pm- Daddy is finally home!! He sits on the couch next to the kids quietly reading books.